The Bottom of the Sky

Thinking

2009-12-17T20:09:00.002-06:00

thinking.

about hope. love. anticipation.

about softness. and art.

about making memories. and living with purpose.

about new beginnings.

new month. new year. new decade.

new blog?

New Photos on Flickr

2009-11-07T23:02:00.002-06:00

Hi all. I've started uploading some of the family photos I took in September for my sister and her family. You can see them on my Flickr page - http://www.flickr.com/photos/carmen_klassen/

On Vulnerability

2009-10-12T14:25:00.007-06:00

Telling the truth is hard. Mostly, I think, because we don't know the full extent of the truth about ourselves. It's easier to go through life tending to the daily necessities than to sit down and confront ourselves. It's easier to go to work, get the groceries, do the laundry, clean the house and then fall into bed, than it is to be still and honest with ourselves.

I thought I was pretty good at telling the truth. I love conversation and have shared many evenings talking with friends about life and purpose and meaning.

Then I went to an all day writing workshop and discovered there are many levels of truth, and I was living in the top few. I wasn't strictly a surface dweller, but there were things I discovered that surprised me. We did several free-writing exercises, where you're given a topic and you start writing and don't stop until your allotted time is up. It would often start out completely innocuous, as I wrote about the minutiae of the day, sometimes just writing about the sound of the other writers scratching away in their journals. Then my mind would take a dive and go somewhere unexpected. Sometimes I kept writing, and sometimes I just didn't have the courage. Afterwards, we would share what we'd written, and I would be completely blown away by the truth that had found it's way out. And I respected and admired those that broke open their souls and shared their true selves. And I wanted to share just a little bit more, but wasn't quite ready.

I don't mean to suggest I have some dark, hidden secret that needs confessing. It's more pedestrian than that. It's the little disappointments that turn into big deals and bother us more than we let on. It's the fears that keep us from growing and trying new things, although we have another explanation for not being involved.

I'm drawn to those writers that embrace vulnerability; that share the good, the bad, and the things hoped for but not yet seen. I will get there, in time, but it's definitely going to be a process. If I were writing anonymously it would be so much easier! I know,though, that there are friends and family and co-workers who happen by this blog every now and then. And some of those very wonderful people have a habit of commenting about what I've written, and I need to be able to own up to my confessions in real life.

I don't think I'll ever write some big tell-all post (mostly because there's no big "tell-all" secret) but I am going to try to continue growing in the area of truth-telling, one blog post at a time.

So I think I'm good for today then.

If you're looking for more, may I suggest visiting one of the following blogs:

http://loraleeslooneytunes.com/ - I laughed, I cried, and then I went through a lot of kleenex. Seriously? Don't read this one in a public place, because sooner or later you'll get to a post about her son Matthew, and then you may fall apart a little. She is a woman who went through hell, managed to find her way back, and now has the courage to write about it.

http://inkonmyfingers.typepad.com/ - Beautiful writing and photography. Not quite as raw as the one above.

Next Time I'll Sing

2009-09-26T15:00:00.006-06:00

I went to a concert this week. A great concert. An almost-sold-out arena concert with thousands of people who knew every word to every song and weren't afraid to show it. And I enjoyed it thoroughly.

But.

It wasn't until the last song that I got up and sang along with everyone, and it wasn't until that moment that I realized how much I'd missed out on.

I'd sat in my seat, foot-tapping and clapping along. Feeling slightly annoyed with the two women next to me who were invading my personal space. Trying not to get elbowed in the head because they were standing and I was sitting and there wasn't enough space between us.

I knew all the words, and there was a part of me that wanted to get up and sing and cheer and participate in the concert. But I didn't.

To be fair, the people behind us weren't standing up and I didn't want to get in their way. Also, I have to wear ear plugs at concerts now due to an obscenely loud show I went to that did a bit of damage a few years ago. And although I can hear the show just fine, the ear plugs muffle the noise of the crowd and take me out of the moment. I feel a little bit removed from my surroundings and too much inside my own head.

However.

I could have still sang. And I could have got up for the songs when just about everyone was on their feet. And I would have loved the concert so much more, if only I'd participated.

I realized that this is true for all of life. I can be present. I can enjoy and appreciate what's going on around me, but until I invest myself, until I participate in whatever is happening, my experience and enjoyment will only ever be muted.

So next time?

Next time I'll sing.

The Lightness of Being

2009-09-17T17:11:00.013-06:00

(Thoughts from yesterday)

Today started like any other day. Get up, shower, get ready for work, feed the cats, feed myself, a few finishing touches, and out the door to work.
I felt a little scatterbrained for the first little while, running on autopilot as my thoughts bounced around from one thing to the next. And then I started to feel it.

A lightness in my being.
A bounce in my step.
A song in my heart.
A welling up of joy and goodness that threatened to spill over into song if I wasn't careful.

The sun was shining, I was full of ideas, and my blog stats were up. I have a few great books on the go, and the upcoming weekend holds the promise of laughter and fellowship.

In the midst of this happiness, I stopped and whispered a prayer for a family friend who is in the middle of a fierce battle with cancer. A prayer that they would see good days ahead.

When everything is going so very well I get a little bit nervous. I want to revel in this feeling, but at the same time I worry that if I let down my guard and allow myself to be swept away by joy I'll be too vulnerable if and when life takes an unwelcome turn. There's a part of me that seems to believe if I'm constantly cognizant of all that can go wrong, if I acknowledge that this can all change in an instant, then I'll somehow be more prepared when it happens.

I know that isn't true. You can't prepare for bad news.

Knowing this, I shall endeavor to fully celebrate the good times. I want my awareness of the fleeting and fragile nature of life to be a catalyst for greater celebration when life is good. I want to be fully present and allow myself to indulge in happiness. I want to imprint on my memory the smiles and laughter and sense of well-being I experience in those moments.

Sweetness

2009-09-15T22:46:00.003-06:00

Jillian, June 2009

Supper Time

2009-09-09T20:06:00.008-06:00

I approach cooking more as an art form than a daily necessity. I like trying new dishes more than whipping up old favorites, and my cupboards are well-stocked. There's something therapeutic about chopping and mincing, grating and slicing. Rubbing dry herbs between my fingers to release their flavors. Filling my house with delicious smells. I particularly like to cook things that need several hours of simmering, building anticipation for the meal all day.

Which brings me to tonight's meal.

Yesterday I ate a frozen dinner for lunch. Linguine, pasta sauce, shrimp, spinach and mushrooms. Sounds more appealing than it looked or tasted. For a frozen dinner it was ok, but as I ate the watery concoction I thought I could probably do better. Made fresh, it would have been wonderful.

I went online (to my favorite recipe site) and found a recipe for pasta sauce. After work I stopped at the grocery store and liquor store (for the dry red wine) and zipped home to throw it together. This particular recipe is supposed to simmer for 3-5 hours. Which means I probably should have waited for the weekend to make it, but I'm impatient like that.

I'm cooking it up tonight, and will eat it for supper tomorrow.

After getting everything together in the pot, I glanced (one more time) at the directions. Because I'm a faithful follower, particularly with a new recipe.

Bring to a light boil.

Ummm...the only liquid in the pot was the half cup of red wine.
So it was thick. Very thick. And my dutch oven was three quarters full. Of very thick wonderful red sauce.
As soon as it started bubbling, the pot nearly leaped off the stove from the force of the boil. It produced big red pasta sauce bubbles.
Bubbles that did not stay in the pot.
A bit of a stir and the sauce calmed down, and with some experimenting I got the temperature just right. Hot enough to simmer (sort of) without popping big red bubbles all over my kitchen.

And now I wait. First I'll wait until it's done simmering. Then I'll wait until it's cooled enough to refrigerate. Then I'll wait until suppertime tomorrow, and hopefully it will be fantastic. Good enough to justify the bottle of wine. Red wine, which I don't usually drink. So either I'll be making a lot of pasta sauce, or indulging in a glass or two.

I'll let you know tomorrow how it turned out.

The Way I See My City

2009-09-07T15:39:00.013-06:00

self portrait

2009-09-06T21:27:00.005-06:00

i stand in front of the mirror. i came to get a bobby pin, but upon seeing my reflection decide I like the way strands of hair are escaping my ponytail. they fall around my face in a delicate frame. i smile at my reflection and think to myself - i look cute right now. navy thrift store shirt with pink letters - Las Vegas - slightly off centre. pink tank top peeks out from beneath. soft brown capris rolled up above my knees into makeshift shorts. bare feet.

happiness with a touch of longing reflects in my eyes.

Garden Shots

2009-09-06T11:48:00.008-06:00

Hilarious Thoughts Stolen From a Friend's Facebook Page

2009-09-04T09:31:00.004-06:00

I did not write this post. I stole it from a friend's Facebook page. I'm not sure where it originated, but it was too good not to share.

* I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

* I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

* Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

* Ok, that's enough Nickelback.

* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

* Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

* Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

* There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

* I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

* A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it!

* LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

* Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

* I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

* Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

* What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

* While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart!

* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

* Bad decisions make good stories

*Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

* Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

* If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.

*You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

*Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection

* There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

*"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

* I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

* I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

* When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me, but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

* It should probably be called UNplanned Parenthood.

* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

* Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time!

* My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

* It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

* I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

* The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Home

2009-09-03T21:55:00.000-06:00

I've been reading a series of posts on La Belette Rouge about how people define Home, and started thinking about what Home means to me.

Home is walking in the front door after work and being greeted by my cats. It's sitting on the couch and doing a little reading before I start supper. Maybe even having a quick nap, just because I can.

Home is the feeling of unquestionable belonging.

It's where I can be and feel and express everything exactly as it is. I don't have to try to make a good impression on anyone. If I'm watching a sad movie and blow through a whole box of tissues (pun intended) I don't have to feel self-conscious.

Home is where I can just be.

Home is where good conversations happen. I'm fortunate to have a roommate who is also a friend, and a very gracious one at that. I'm a bit of a talker and she's heard pretty much everything I have to say on every subject you can imagine. And she's still my friend.

Home is where all my dreams begin, and the place I will always come back to.

It's where I can laugh well beyond the point of decency, without feeling like I should really get it together because people are starting to look.

Home is where I work through the difficult times; where I can voice my fears and gather the courage to face them.

At the end of the day,

Home is where I want to be.

Glee!

2009-09-02T20:29:00.002-06:00

I just finished watching the pilot episode of Glee.
It's amazing. There is no way I should be this excited about a television show, but it's like a Broadway production, summer movie, and great TV all rolled into one.
Seriously, after one episode I would buy the series on DVD.
I just wanted to share that.
Because it's awesome. And every Wednesday night from now until Spring, you know where to find me.
Now, on to more important things.

Faded

2009-09-02T18:16:00.006-06:00

The overhead sun was bright

washing out the color

of a normally vibrant

riverbank.

I was liquefying

amazed at the heat

of this September

afternoon.

You Look Like A...

2009-09-02T17:20:00.004-06:00

Roommate (observing my green shirt and brown pants): You kind of look like a bean sprout. But in a good way.

look up.

2009-09-01T17:38:00.002-06:00

on a day crowned with blue skies

and puffy clouds

lay yourself down

beneath the branches of a large tree

and look up.

watch the world turn slowly above you

feel the grass cool and soft beneath you

breathe in the silence

and

just be.

Whispered Prayers

2009-09-01T17:28:00.002-06:00

an email is sent. please pray for this little boy - he has cancer.
around the world whispered prayers are offered up from
cubicles and kitchen tables,
classrooms and boardrooms.
simple words from strangers.
please don't let him die.
then "forward" and the message continues on.

Everywhere You Look

2009-08-31T20:52:00.006-06:00

I've started to carry my camera with me all the time. This causes me to slow down, to look around, and really see the city around me. Here's what I saw today.

From the park bench where I sat, reading, during the noon hour.

On my way back to work.

Walking to the bike shop after work.

People You Should Know 08.30.2009

2009-08-30T19:06:00.004-06:00

I would like to take this time to introduce you to the people on my blogroll. Some of them are friends and family. Some are strangers whose lives I feel suspiciously familiar with, in that internet kind of way.

Family & Friends
roses in my heart - my friend Sherri. Makes beautiful cards and other paper crafts.
the angry turtle - my friend Coralee. Amazing sewing talent.
the prairie penguin - my sister. Family blogger. Incredible mom to 3 incredible kids.

Writers & Other Artsy Folk
kelly rae roberts - mixed media artist & writer. Author of Taking Flight.
schmutzie - Regina writer. One of the best Saskatchewan blogs I've come across.
superhero journal - friend of kelly rae. Writer. One of the founders of the Mondo Beyondo e-course.

These people inspire me. I read their words for encouragement, challenge, affirmation, and entertainment. If you have a minute, you should check them out.

A Saturday in Pictures

2009-08-29T20:58:00.007-06:00

Sunset, downtown

Under the Broadway Bridge

Flowers, down by Prairie Fare at River Landing

Strawberries fresh from the garden

Cheap Seat Review: Public Enemies

2009-08-29T10:11:00.007-06:00

Public Enemies, with Johnny Depp and Christian Bale, is a mediocre film. I'm a fan of both actors, and this wasn't either's best performance. Bale in particular seemed like he was reading straight from the script, and I didn't buy his performance until the last scene.

For the better part of the movie, the actors worked with a backdrop of silence. A soundtrack engages emotions and heightens dramatic moments. As it was, I didn't connect with the characters until the final five minutes, when they cued the music. It was too little, too late. I'd already spent two and a half hours trying to care about Dillinger and his ilk.

There were some misleading scenes, as well. I got the impression that it was during this time, 1930-35, that the FBI was formed and that John Dillinger's nationwide spree of bank robberies was a catalyst. He was one of their high-profile captures, and the statewide police force was renamed to the current FBI (formerly known as just the Bureau of Investigation) during this time. However, the two are not quite as closely linked as the movie would have you believe.

The bank robberies were unimpressive. Men with guns enter banks, force the manager to open the safe, stuff canvas bags with money, then drive away with guns blazing. Same thing every time. According to Wikipedia, Dillinger was actually quiet creative with his methods of monetary accumulation.

All in all, it wasn't a terrible movie, but you can probably find a better one.

Rating: Save It

Picnic on a Wednesday Afternoon

2009-08-26T19:28:00.005-06:00

An unseasonably warm day + family + picnic lunch = one sweet summer moment

Reaching

2009-08-25T20:44:00.004-06:00

I love photographing trees.

They are filled with movement and life;

they are the keepers of secrets.

The Writer's Ego

2009-08-25T17:31:00.003-06:00

Sitting at the kitchen table eating supper.
Reading The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging.
Come across the section about blog awards.
Read about The Webby Awards - "Winners must limit their acceptance speech to five words."
Immediately compose acceptance speech.

I Take Pictures, Too

2009-08-24T21:17:00.004-06:00

I'm in the process of labelling all my posts, and have added a list of said labels in the column to your right. Most notably, I've imported my photo blog from a few years back, and you can easily have a look through my work by clicking on the photography label.
A note to my faithful friends and family who've been reading this blog for years - you've probably seen all of these photos but feel free to check them out again.

Cheers!

Wise Beyond Her Years

2009-08-23T21:06:00.001-06:00

My niece, modelling her mom's glasses.

July 2006

Found this picture while looking for something else, and my goodness isn't she cute!

Flat

2009-08-23T15:19:00.004-06:00

There goes my afternoon bike ride.

When All You Have is Attitude

2009-08-22T08:35:00.002-06:00

Sooner or later we all end up in situations not of our choosing. There are jobs to be done that just won't go away and difficulties to be dealt with that we don't want to face. It's all very overwhelming.

But if your only choice is sink or swim, here are 4 things I re-learned this past week that might help you keep your head above the water.

1. If you've done it before and it was a struggle even then, don't focus on the struggle, focus on the fact that you've done it before. And survived. Because here you are telling your story.

2. However you've imagined the scene will play out, it's probably worse in your mind than in reality. Don't handicap yourself with premature negative thoughts.

3. Zoom in. When you've decided to take it day by day and you're still overwhelmed, focus on the individual moments that make up the day. Deal with whatever is immediately in front of you. One step at a time, and eventually you'll get it all done. (Not unlike running a race.)

4. If all you've got left is attitude, use it! Sometimes the only control you have over a situation is how you're going to handle it. Choose to handle it graciously, and look for something you can take away from the experience. You might learn that you're stronger than you thought. You might discover hidden abilities that will serve you well in the future. Or you might learn that you never, ever, want to end up in this kind of situation again, and that is valuable too.

So here's to you, graciously making your way through the difficult days.

So You Want To Be A Runner

2009-08-19T21:30:00.004-06:00

So you've decided to start running? Congratulations! You won't regret it. Most of the runners I know are positive, happy people. There are some things you should know, though.

The first few days, maybe even a week or two, will be wonderful. They will be challenging days, but filled as you are with such enthusiasm and excitement it won't be difficult to convince you to go for your regular run.

There will come a time shortly after this initial burst of enthusiasm when it will get really hard. You will want to quit. You will tell your running buddy that it's too much work, you're not getting any faster, and why is it so hard to run?! You decide that running isn't your thing.

Stick with it. Your time is coming.

The months will pass and soon you'll be able to run 20, 30 minutes at a time. Oh glorious running! This is what it's all about. When you can legitimately go out for a run, and do nothing but run - no walking for me, you'll say.

Then your running buddy will suggest you enter a race. Sounds like fun! T-shirts and medals and goodie bags at the end. You might start with a 5K, or a 10K if you're ambitious. You'll become addicted to the incredible feeling of standing at the start line, covered in anticipation. Mere hours after finishing your first race, you'll start looking for the next one.

Then you'll begin to consider what you once thought ridiculous, crazy, and impossible. Running a marathon. You'll think about this for awhile, but then common sense will kick in and you'll admit that you should probably start with a half-marathon.

One of your colleagues will give you a training schedule. You'll be amazed at how many people in your office are runners. Just like you! You'll start talking about running all the time, even when no one is asking.

"What's up for the weekend?" they'll ask.

You start with "Oh I've got a long run on Sunday" and then proceed to tell them about how your training is coming along, how you ran a new PR (personal record - it's important to learn the lingo) the other day, and how you've been experimenting with various gels and energy bars during your longer training sessions.

You won't notice when their eyes glaze over and a distinct air of disinterest enters the space between you. It doesn't matter. Because you love running. And talking about running.

You'll sign up for a subscription to Runner's World, because now when you're not running, or talking about running, you can read about it! Yay!

You'll complete your first half-marathon and swear off running forever.
Because it was hard. Very hard.
Two days later, you will sign up for another race.

You'll run a few races, getting faster with each one, until you get lazy and slack off on the training. Then you'll run your slowest race yet, but you'll say it's ok, because you were just doing that one for fun anyway.

Even though you know you're destined to be a middle-of-the-pack runner, you'll get a bit discouraged when you read about the guy who's not really a runner but who decided to do a race just for fun, and ran it 30 minutes faster that your fastest time. Or the friend who, in her first marathon, accidentally qualified for the Boston Marathon. Really? I don't think so.

Never mind them. Running is about you. Unless you're an Olympic athlete, there will always be people faster than you. And even the Olympians don't get the gold every time. So remember to run your own race.

You'll reach a point where you start to falter, and the joy of running seems like a distant memory. You've conquered the distance goals you set for yourself, but lack the gumption to press on to greater heights. Or lengths, as the case may be.

When this happens, there are a few things you can do.

Quit training and just start running again. For fun. Without a watch or a GPS. Run freely, with no strings attached.

Find something new to work on. Maybe you've always just plodded along, but now you want to work on speed, or become a master hill runner.

If you're a road runner, take to the trails and learn some technical running.

Or just take a break. Because every now and then you need some time apart from your beloved running to appreciate it again.

And you will come back to it.

Because deep down you know what you've become. No matter how fast or slow you are, no matter how far you can run. Miles logged, medals earned, and negative splits are only part of the story. Whether you're knee-deep in training or taking a breather, nothing can change the fact that you are now a runner.

Welcome to the club.

Vacation Thoughts

2009-08-16T19:28:00.014-06:00

My two glorious weeks of summer holidays drew to a close today. It was a much-needed break from routine, and I've enjoyed every minute of it. Except perhaps the 90 minutes or so that I spent watching Year One. But I digress.

In the past 16 days, I've started to regain some perspective on the future. My life has been somewhat static for a long time. Contemplating any sort of change, be it personal, relational, or professional produced feelings of uncertainty and anxiety at first. I can see now, though, that there are always options; that the future is still unwritten and it's time to pull out those dreams and ambitions I'd almost forgotten about.

Every day for the past two weeks I've worked on projects that I love. I'm learning more about social media and all the wonderful ways I can connect with talented, inspiring people online. I'm learning about writing, and have enjoyed practicing almost daily here on my blog. (Thank you to those who have left encouraging comments. You have no idea how happy I am to hear from you!) I've discovered amazing websites and blogs, like the one by a Regina writer who goes by the nickname Schmutzie.

I've realized how important it is to acknowledge your dreams, and not accept the notion that where you are right now is where you have to stay. We all have ideas about what our lives might look like, if we could custom-design them. It's up to us to pursue those dreams.

I'm learning to think proactively instead of passively. Just now I typed a sentence with the phrase, "where your dreams might take you," but sometimes you have to take hold of your dreams and go with them where you will.

With these thoughts in mind I look forward to going back to work tomorrow and exploring a future that's expanding in front of me.

My Grandma's Handwriting

2009-08-14T18:00:00.000-06:00

(note: I wrote this post awhile back, but needed to give it some time before I could let it go.)

In the course of tidying up the bookshelves in my bedroom today, I pulled down an old cookbook that belonged to my grandma. It's titled The Mennonite Treasury of Recipes. Coil-bound with yellowing pages, I flipped it open to look for handwritten notes, some extra instructions jotted in the margin perhaps. She was in my thoughts, and because the written word holds a great deal of meaning for me, I wanted to see her words. Even if it was only a notation to cut back on the cooking time.

In the notes area of the Butchering section, I found a handwritten recipe for brine for curing beef roasts. I read it through, considering her handwriting more than the instructions she penned. She wrote with flourishes, which surprised me because she was such a practical woman. I think I expected some no-nonsense script - a spartan use of ink and effort.

I realized that there is so much I never knew about my grandma. I wish I could go back and ask her to tell me stories. And to give her one more hug. She always hugged me so tightly, squishing my glasses against her cheek.

Every now and then when the family was visiting, she would catch my eye and give me a knowing look, and even if I don't know exactly what it was she was sharing, it was a special moment between the two of us.

She's been gone for many years now, and I think of her often when I use the kitchen items that formerly occupied her cupboards. Although I may not have known every side of her, I recall with a smile the woman I did know.

And sometimes, like today, I really miss her.

I've Had Better Ideas

2009-08-12T18:37:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was supposed to be a lake day. My roommate took the day off and we made plans to head up to the usual spot to spend the day lounging on the beach and floating on the water.
But it was not to be.
The forecast called for thundershowers at the lake, but beautiful sunny skies here at home, so we decided to stay put.
Thoughts of a laid back lake day lingered. How could we make this day in the city more like a lake day?
I know! Let's buy a kiddie pool for the "backyard" (shared common space behind the condo). Perfect. Then I can lounge in the water with all the comforts of home just a few feet away.
Fast forward - kiddie pool bought and inflated and ready to be filled.
Hmmm...how to fill the pool. No water tap in the backyard. No adapter to hook the hose up to the kitchen tap, although we did try this method without an adapter and managed, with the help of gravity, to get a few dribbles of water into the pool.
Jugs and pails it is then.

We got a pretty good system going, with Nicole filling water containers and me dumping them into the pool. Still, it took close to an hour to get the pool mostly filled.
Quick change into bathing suit.
By this point it was quite hot outside and I eagerly hopped into the pool.
Ahhh...refreshing.
5 minutes later - So now what? I couldn't lean back on the edge because the water, which we'd worked so hard to collect, would run out. It wasn't big enough to flip over and lay on my stomach, and it ended up feeling like I was sitting in the bathtub, but outside.
So, out of the pool and back into dry clothes.
We couldn't bring ourselves to dump the water out right away, so I was able to enjoy it again today, if only to cool my feet off.
Here's to hot summer days and bodies of water, be they large or small.

Cheap Seat Review: Year One

2009-08-12T11:21:00.003-06:00

You think you'd be safe with a $2 movie. Even if it's not great, it's probably good enough to warrant $2 and a couple hours of your time, right?
Not so.
Year One is a vulgar, unfunny, film that is trying very hard to be a comedy but just can't pull it off. Most of the jokes are in poor taste, and there are scenes that made me turn away in disgust. There is no scenario in which beating a man to death with a rock is funny.
Although I don't mind Jack Black and Michael Cera, this movie is an unfortunate mess with no redeeming qualities.

Rating: Save It

*Save It = Keep your $2. Your time and money would be better spend elsewhere
*Spend It = Worth a couple bucks and a few hours of your time.

Cheap Seat Reviews

2009-08-11T21:48:00.003-06:00

The cheapest movie ticket in town is at Rainbow Cinemas on Tuesday night. If you're willing to wait until a movie has run it's course at the premium theatres, you can catch a show for merely $2 at Rainbow.

I attended such a screening tonight and came away with such strong opinions of the movie that I've decided to launch a new feature called Cheap Seat Reviews. Every movie at Rainbow has most likely already been reviewed by a seasoned critic somewhere. What I have to add is that, while some movies may not be worth the big bucks to see at a first-run theatre, they're just fine for a $2 Tuesday night out.

Or, as I learned tonight, they may not even be worth a $2 ticket.

My reviews will be short and sweet, with either a Spend It or Save It rating. Hopefully this will help you avoid wasting your time, if not your money, on a movie that isn't worth the effort.

Sask Blogs

2009-08-10T22:09:00.002-06:00

I just got added to the Sask Blogs Aggregator 2.0! This means I'm on a list of Saskatchewan blogs and my posts will show up in their feed. It may mean other things too, but that's all I know at the moment.
Cheers.

Day 4 of 36

2009-08-10T21:59:00.003-06:00

I did not feel like running tonight. My eyes were sore from being outside in the bright sun all day, and my legs were tired.
But I went anyway. Because I told you all I was going to try.
And it was awesome.
The night was warm, the sunset beautiful. The people I met along the way were friendly. And I managed to fall into The Zone for a little while and almost forget I was running.
I passed a family that was out for a bike ride. Going the same direction.
Passing a person on a bike while you're running is a pretty good morale booster if ever there was one.
And now, goodnight.

I Got THE NOD

2009-08-10T17:54:00.007-06:00

Last summer I came up with the brilliant plan to ride my bike from my house (in the southeast corner of Saskatoon) to my parents' house (in Martensville). It was an ambitious plan for someone who could only qualify as a very casual cyclist. By car it's about a 30-35 minute drive, with much of that at highway speeds.

Last summer, it never came to pass.

But my mom didn't forget, and she's been reminding me of The Plan every now and then.

When this past Saturday dawned sunny and calm, it seemed like the perfect day for ride out to Martensville.

After a quick breakfast I pumped up the tires, donned my bike helmet and gloves, and off I went.

It was a gorgeous day for a ride. I made my way downtown and then took the Meewasin Trail up to the north end of the city, biking along the river the whole way north. Not for the first time I thought how thankful I am to live in such a beautiful city.

As I zipped along, I came across several groups of cyclists. Actual cyclists, with road bikes and dropped handlebars, form-fitting outfits and shoes that clip into their pedals. Going at speeds much great than I.

And they gave me The Nod.

And sometimes even a wave.

You know what I mean - the nod that signifies solidarity in your choice of transportation. Like, "Hey, there's another cyclist! Nice to see you out on such a fine day."

They acknowledged me as One of Them.

Which I thought was pretty cool. And may have had something to do with the fact that I was wearing a yellow tee shirt not dissimilar to theirs, and perhaps they pegged me as a missing link in their peloton.

Whatever the reason, it was nice to feel for a few minutes like I was part of something greater than myself.

Which made me think about how we all need to belong somewhere.

And then I carried on my merry way.

Some parts of the ride were rather harrowing. Choosing a stretch of road with a 90 km/hr speed limit and no shoulder was not a wise option. But I felt myself relax as soon as I turned off onto a gravel road and the sound of crickets rivalled the traffic noises from the highway not too far away. The tall grass and blue sky, with nothing but a straight dirt road stretching out in front of me made me think of when I was a teenager and I would go out for hours and just ride around. No destination in mind, just my two wheels crunching over the gravel, giving space to my daydreams.

I arrived in Martensville safe and sound, happy to dismount for a few hours and have lunch with my mom and dad.

Due to some prearranged supper plans, though, I had to hit the road before too long. I took a different, safer, route home and aside from riding through a brief bug storm, (thankfully I had my mouth closed at the time,) arrived back at my house in one piece.

The round trip took 3 hours, 17 minutes and made me wonder where else these wheels can take me this summer.

Day 1 of 36

2009-08-07T18:51:00.006-06:00

A few weeks ago I signed up to run the half marathon in the Queen City Marathon in Regina. I was on a high, having recently returned from Seattle (where I ran the Rock N Roll half marathon) and felt slightly pressured to make a decision quickly because there were only a handful of spots left in the race.

I signed up with the intention of training hard for at least 2 full months with the hope of setting a new personal record.

As of today, the race is 36 days away and I've done basically no training. I have been biking a lot, so at least I've been active, but my runs have been around 30 minutes or less and quite relaxed at that.

So today I resolved to go out and run/walk for 1 hour.

Goal set, goal met. I was gone for just over an hour. (And no, I'm not 7 feet tall, as this picture seems to suggest.)

During this time I thought about why I haven't been running much.

Part of the reason was weather related - either too hot or raining.

I've also been trying to spend more time writing, usually during the time I would be running.

This is my third race in 5 months, and I'm tired of following a training schedule. Not that I have been following one for the past couple of months, but tired of feeling like I should be on a schedule.

I thought about whether I was disappointed with myself, for not putting in a better effort, or if my reasons for not running were legitimate.

I thought about quitting. About admitting that I hadn't put in even the minimum effort needed to adequately prepare for a 21km race. And I thought that I would probably be OK with that. I know I can complete the race, having run 5 half marathons already, so it's more a matter of finishing well than just finishing. And what if I came in last? That would be a blow to my pride, if nothing else. Quitting would definitely be easier.

Or.

Or I could step up the training and make these next 36 days count for something. Renewing my effort would at least give me something to write about for the next month, and at this point I'll take every bit of motivation I can get.

I chose Option B. I think. My resolve hasn't hardened yet, but I think I want to do this thing and do it right. If for no other reason than to prove to myself that I have it in me to finish well after a faltering start.

Here's to renewed enthusiasm and 36 days of optimistic running.

These Feet Were Made For Walking

2009-08-05T12:30:00.005-06:00

Ever since reading Born to Run, by Christopher McDougall, I've been intrigued with the idea of barefoot running. I've even incorporated a few barefoot sprints into my regular shod runs. Never, though, have I left the house in nothing but my tender tootsies.

Until today.

It's a strange feeling to leave one's house without footwear of some sort. Even the flimsiest sandals are worlds away from stepping out with naked feet. And although I've never left the house without pants (or shorts or some such lower body covering), going shoeless felt like how I imagine it feels to be without pants - exposed.

Being barefoot seems to suggest poverty or the after-effects of an unfortunate incident.

Or weirdness.

So it was with some trepidation that I locked the door and started on my way. I didn't go far; merely around the little pond about 1/2 a block from my condo.

I didn't think that other people's opinions of me mattered quite as much as they do. But as I got further from home, I was quite conscious of my bare feet and how much I wanted to do my loop and then get back home.

Why? Why was I so worried about what people might think or say?

I'm good at flying below the radar and not making much of a scene, so doing something that might attract attention, particularly cause people to look askance and wonder what's wrong with me, that I don't have shoes on, is cause for a bit of nervousness.

Thankfully there were only a few people out, and the one lady that I passed on either side of the pond kept her eyes averted, possibly in the hopes that this crazy shoeless person would just leave her alone. (Not knowing that I was having similar thoughts about her.)

As for the actual barefoot experience, it was enjoyable and I can understand how it could become addicting.

I could fee the warmth of the pavement underneath my feet, and the grass still wet with dew. It hurt to walk on the gravel, but thankfully there wasn't much of that. I was aware of how springy and soft the grass is, how warm and smooth the pavement is, and the coolness of the dew was pleasant underfoot. I thought about how insulated we are from the surfaces we trod on daily, that we forget what it feels like to run across the street barefoot, like when we were children.

Having said all that, I'm not going to forgo shoes entirely, or even mostly, but I think I will continue with occasional barefoot walks, as long as I can get over the feeling that others must surely think I'm a bit of an oddball.

Adventures on Two Wheels

2009-07-28T19:34:00.006-06:00

In the middle of reflecting that I'd yet to be caught in the rain on my daily ride to and from work, I was hit with a big, fat raindrop. My first thought was to put the pedal to the metal, so to speak, and get home before...what? Before I got wet? Because being wet is...not good?

I decided to enjoy the rain instead, smiling at the man & his son who pulled up beside me at the lights on their motorbike. Like we were in this crazy situation together.

"You're getting rained on too, hey?" Smile and shake of the head.

I was almost a little disappointed when I rode out from under the cloud. Riding home in a downpour would have made a much more entertaining blog entry. And made me feel just a little more like a hardcore biker.

Although cyclist is probably a more accurate term.

If I was honest, I'd admit that I'm proud of the slash of grease on my leg that I arrive home with almost daily. (Compliments of the generous Bike Doctor mechanics who tuned up my bike.)
I might even take a picture of it.

I've finally found some routes that I like to and from work. They're not the same, because although I enjoy crossing the Broadway bridge on my way to work, it's not so fun to have to ride across the other direction.

In fact, the bridge is one of my favorite segments of the ride to work. On my first day biking, I realized a little too late that the walkway on the north side of the bridge was closed, and I didn't want to go back to the lights and cross to the other side. So I waited for the lights at the top to turn red, leaving a significant gap in traffic, and I hightailed it across in the driving lane.

I have never gone that fast on my bike before. Oh my goodness! So much fun, I decided to go that way every morning.

I've tried a variety of options for the home route, but most of them involve me huffing and puffing and pedaling crazily in an oxygen-deprived state as I try to crest the hill at the top of Sask Crescent and Broadway. Today I discovered that using University bridge is a much more enjoyable option.

Riding my bike to work is becoming second nature, and on the days I drive I feel sluggish and slow, aware that there is a much better way to get from A to B.

Here's to early morning rides in the fresh air, and starting out the day with a smile on your face.

Carry a Small Grape

2009-07-14T18:22:00.006-06:00

Today I found myself humming along to nothing in particular, brimming over with possibilities. A series of events, comments, and nuggets of wisdom from a beautiful book have coalesced to inspire an idea.
A plan.
A project.
I won't share all the details yet, because some dreams need to be nurtured a bit in the quiet of one's heart before they can stand up to the knocks they'll take once out in the open. But it's all about having a dream and a purpose. Moving forward with intention. Giving shape and reason to my activities.
The beautiful book I'm talking about is Life is a Verb by Patti Digh. The title bugs me a wee bit, because as a statement it is incorrect. Life is a noun, or sometimes an adjective, but never a verb. HOWEVER, as a concept it is brilliant. It's not a new idea, but at this very moment in time, this is the book I needed.
The subtitle is 37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful, and Live Intentionally. Sounds a bit self-helpish, but it's actually quite wonderful. Every page is full color, with stories and quotes and pictures and really wide margins to make notes in. Which I have.
There is a story about dancing in your car that made me smile, because I love to dance and sing in the car. One of my co-workers has caught me on more than one occasion and commented that I looked awfully happy on my drive to work that day.
Digh relates a story about her daughter who was delighted to find a minuscule grape in her snack one day, and carried it around everywhere with her, marveling in the wonderful smallness and cuteness of the grape. She challenges the reader to "carry a small grape"- to find something that creates wonder in you and carry it with you, taking it out every now and then to remind yourself to find the joy in every day. I haven't printed it out yet, but I think my "small grape" will be a picture of my niece, Jillian.

Because how can you not smile at this picture? It's her expression that I love more than anything. Happy, and a little bit sneaky.

Here's to the future. To dreaming and planning. To anticipation. To inspiration.

Running in Aqua Socks

2009-07-04T17:04:00.002-06:00

I recently finished reading Born to Run by Christopher McDougall, and oh my goodness. It has changed the way I think about running, and is slowly changing the way I run.
In a nutshell, he puts forth the idea that people are created to run. The presence of our Achilles tendon, the nuchal ligament on the back of our head, and our big butts are all useful only if we're running; we don't need them to walk.
He writes about barefoot running and how much more natural it is than running in running shoes, and how American marathon runners were faster back when they wore canvas flats than they are now with their expensive shoes. And they were injured less often.
One of the most important things I learned was that "shoes block pain, not impact." So you slam your feet down over and over, because you don't feel the pain that would normally tell you to correct your stride.
Our feet are incredibly sensitive for a reason. "They're self-correcting devices. Covering your feet with cushioned shoes is like turning off your smoke alarms."
So I've started training, for very short periods of time, in aqua socks. Rather than spend a bunch of money on brand name minimalist running shoes, I got this idea from a barefoot running blog I stumbled across.
And boy is it fun! I feel much lighter on my feet and not like I'm plodding along in these thick-soled, "pronation-correcting" chunks of rubber and foam.
So far I'm on day 2 this new training, and am curious to see how it will effect my race in September.
Here's to running like a child again!

My Echo

2009-06-14T21:31:00.004-06:00

What a busy weekend! I bought a different car yesterday - a 2005 Toyota Echo. It's very different from my Cavalier - smaller, taller, and kind of fun to drive. I imagine it emitting a little "meep meep" sound as I zip around town.

So - test drove, bought, and licensed the Echo yesterday. Then I gathered up some more stuff for a garage sale next weekend and hauled it out to Mom and Dad's in the afternoon. In the evening, I had some errands to run, and then my day was done.

Today I got up early and volunteered as a road marshall for the Bridge City Boogie (2k, 5k, & 10k run/walk). An interesting experience. For the most part people were understanding about the delay getting across the intersection, but I had one lady who was late for church and quite angry that our race was preventing her from getting there on time.

After the Boogie, I came home and had a much-needed nap. Then I helped Nicole dig up some grass and make a little flower bed in the back yard. And by little, I mean probably 3'x1.5'. Just enough to plant a few herbs, and maybe a tomato plant. It was fun to have a reason to putter around outside on this gorgeous summer day!

After supper I cleaned out the inside of my old car, washing and vaccuming it to get it ready to sell. If you know anyone who needs a reliable 1997 Cavalier, let me know!

Tonight I ran to the store and picked up a few groceries, and when I collapsed in the living room chairI couldn't believe it was already 9:30!

Here's to a good weekend, and I hope there are many more to come.

32:50

2009-05-07T21:13:00.002-06:00

A few posts ago, I wrote about running a new personal best (34 min) on one of my regular routes. Today I ran it in 32:50, another personal best. I'm finding that my body is doing ok at the faster pace, but I quickly run out of air and am left gasping for breathe and often cramping up. That's something I'll have to work on in the coming weeks and months.
I'm looking forward to the race - 17 days! I feel like I've tried harder in my training this go-around, even though I still didn't run as much as I should have.
One of these times, I'll get it right.

Happiness

2009-04-16T20:29:00.000-06:00

"It was Don Paolo's birthday and all the people of the village were gathered in the piazza to celebrate him. The band played, the wine flowed, the children danced, and, as he stood for a moment alone under the pergola, a little girl approached the beloved priest.

'But Don Paolo, are you not happy?' she asked him.

'Of course I am happy,' he assured the little girl.

'Why, then, aren't you crying?'"

- from The Lady in the Palazzo, by Marlena De Blasi

Tonight I Remembered

2009-04-16T20:13:00.002-06:00

This evening was beautiful. Just cool enough. No wind. Fresh rain water on the street, just enough to keep the dust down, not enough for puddles.
Tonight I remembered why I love running.
The way you can breathe in new life after a stuffy day inside.
The way you can stretch your legs, pump your arms, and work your lungs after sitting for hours on end.
The way an hour can feel like five minutes.
The way problems shrink and anything seems possible.
The way you can be alone with your thoughts and your footfalls and truly enjoy it.
I love nights like tonight.

34 Minutes, Baby! Yeah!

2009-04-14T19:44:00.003-06:00

In the course of training for a race, there are good runs and bad runs. Today was great! I ran my 5.5km (or so) route in 34 minutes, a new personal record. Whoop!
[credit is due, in large part, to the Podrunner podcast I downloaded before I ran. Podrunner is a fantastic series of podcasts available on iTunes to help you work out at a chosen pace.]
In past years my enthusiasm for training usually tapers off quite a bit by late April, early May. This year, though, I feel fired up to put in my very best effort in the weeks to come and see what I can accomplish on race day.
Here's to all the training days ahead!

Unexpected Results

2009-04-13T12:41:00.002-06:00

If you search my name on the StarPhoenix website, you'll get a list of my most recent book reviews.
I did such a search today to see if my review from Saturday was listed, and it was.
Along with the StarPhoenix search results, you can click on canada.com and see articles that have either my first or last name in them, and usually they are not related to me at all.
I laughed when I saw an article titled "Cougar Roundup" in my search results.
Is the universe trying to tell me something?

Boston

2009-04-10T10:39:00.002-06:00

Over waffles this morning I read about the Boston Marathon, in the current issue of Runner's World magazine.
I've been a runner for only a couple of years, and when I started my goal was to run for 20 minutes continuously.
Then I decided to run a half marathon, using the run 10 min, walk 1 minute approach.
Then I decided to run another one, and try to finish just a little bit faster.
This year I am attempting to just run, flat out, the entire half marathon.
Quite often on my long training runs I daydream. A recurring scenario is me crossing the finish line in record time. Sometimes, every now and then, I think about what it would take to qualify for Boston.
The Boston Marathon is the only marathon that you have to qualify for. For non-elite runners, making it to Boston is the ultimate achievement. It is the Holy Grail, the El Dorado of running, and only 10% of American marathoners are fast enough.
10%.

To qualify, I would have to run a marathon in 3hours, 40 min. I have yet to even run a marathon at all, never mind at such break-neck speeds.
(That would be a half-marathon in 1 hour, 50min. To date, my fastest time is 2:16.)
I can't even wrap my head around running that fast for that long.

But still.

When I read the article about one man's qualifying attempts, I'll admit I got a little teary-eyed. He qualified with only a 21 second margin, after "running through the worst cramp of my life and lay(ing) my guts out in a ropy strand up Michigan Avenue." Because that's the kind of effort it takes to be one of those 10%. Everything you have, and then a whole lot more.

For now, I'll focus on today's hill workout, but dreams of Boston will probably linger. With any luck, they'll make my step a little lighter and my pace a little faster.

Time to lace up.

original church

2009-04-06T21:54:00.004-06:00

I exit Tastebuds tonight, and the sky is clear; the breeze from earlier today settled down for the night. I love this kind of weather. It makes me think of my friend Kyla, and if it weren't almost 10:00 on a weeknight, I might just call her to see if she would want to go for a walk. Few things are better than late-night jaunts under a clear sky, with a good friend, meandering conversation that leaves you feeling as though all is right with the world.

Tonight was poetry night, and I leave the cafe feeling happy. On my drive home, I think that this is what God had in mind when he thought about building his church. This small group of people who are growing friendships and laughing together; sharing food and tea, lemonade, hot chocolate (curiously, no one drinks coffee). People learning to trust each other enough to share secrets, failures and longings, punctuated by peals of laughter. The kind of true laughter that follows a bit of sadness, refreshing like a glass of ice cold lemonade on a hot summer day.

There is nothing, I think, that I could tell this group that would invoke any kind of judgement. I suppose it's easier to share because we're writing and then reading, not talking directly to a round of people, intent on helping you out of whatever mess you (or they) think you're in. I don't share something with the hope that they will have any sort of answers; it's merely a statement of fact - I feel this, I was disappointed in that, these are the things that make me happy, etc.

All too often, we gather in small church groups, well aware of how far from perfect we are, but for some reason we pretend it's not all that bad. Or we share something that we secretly don't think is all that bad, and act like we actually want to change. We may share something once every few weeks, something we're "struggling" with, or working on, but it's probably not the biggest thing on our minds right then.
(Even now, I write using "we" instead of "I" because it seems like less of a confession, and I'm sure these thoughts probably stem from my own lack of participation in other groups.)
Still, I feel a definite contrast when I meet my poetry friends every second Monday.

Not to say that it's all seriousness and sadness. Tonight I wrote about a picture of myself, taken when I was a kid. I'm sitting on the kitchen floor, worn blue jeans, western shirt, and my favorite stuffed toy - a lion that was actually very scratchy and not at all cuddly. I'm smiling. And through my exploratory"first thoughts" writing exercise, I realized that picture is a good representation of me. Smiling. Happy. Comfortable. Not doing terribly much, but quite content just to be.

Here's to small groups, in whatever form they come in - whenever we meet, may there be honesty and openness, peppered with laughter.

Getting Faster

2009-03-31T20:50:00.002-06:00

Set a new personal record for 3 miles today at the gym - 28:24. Yay! I can't wait until the snow and ice is gone so that I can run outside.

Confronted With The Truth

2009-03-28T17:29:00.002-06:00

I had the privilege of attending an all-day writing workshop today with my poetry group. I wasn't really looking forward to it, because I was tired and I wondered how we could possibly fill 6 hours with writing.
I am so glad I went.
The day turned out to be so much more than I expected. It was challenging, inspiring, and at some points rather emotional.
Lynda Monahan led the workshop, and focused on writing bravely and honestly, with courage. It might seem obvious that one should always write the truth, but if you sit down with pen and paper, you will find that it is a lot harder than it sounds. We went through a series of exercises designed to help us dig deeper into ourselves and find the stories that we really wanted to tell but were afraid to, for one reason or another.
Sometimes we don't write because we're afraid of hurting or offending someone; sometimes it's just too painful to deal with past hurts and losses; sometimes it's a matter of not wanting to admit the truth to ourselves. There are myriad reasons for not being still and getting the truth out onto the page.
I was blown away by the level of honesty in some people's writing, the way they laid themselves bare and faced incredibly difficult issues head on. (Part of the exercises was reading what we'd written to the group.)
I haven't reached the point of complete openness in my own writing, but I feel like today was a giant push in the right direction.
I feel honored to be a part of this amazing writing group, and blessed to call them my friends.

Perfectly Picked Playlists and Smooth Elbows

2009-02-14T20:35:00.003-06:00

During a particularly difficult interval on the bike today, the song I was listening to kept repeating the line, "you've got me begging you for mercy."
It made me smile and think how wonderfully appropriate my playlist sometimes is.
[aside: if you want a song to get your legs pumping, try running to "Walk Like An Egyptian." That song has a seriously fast beat.]

I went to Bath Goddess today with Nicole, and got a fabulously scented body butter. You can choose one of their pre-mixed scents, or you can put together your own custom scent from something like 150 different choices. The combo I settled on, (with some help from one of the sales associates,) is Bamboo/Green Tea/Lemongrass. It is wonderfully fresh and light. And the body butter concoction is oh-so-creamy! I will have the smoothest elbows in town!

A Guilty Response

2009-02-14T20:11:00.003-06:00

Getting the mail.
Yay! A letter!
oh no...it's from my sponsor child.

This is definitely not the way I should feel when I get a letter from my sponsor child, Gustavo. I've been his sponsor for approximately 8 years. He turned 16 this past September, and I wonder at how the time has gone so fast. My first photo had him in a spider man shirt and jeans; in a recent snapshot, he was sitting around a campfire with his ball cap on backwards, his slouched posture exuding teenage attitude.
I truly love his letters, love hearing how he is doing and what he's been learning. My guilt (and subsequent perplexing response to his letter) stems from the fact that he has sent me way more letters than I have sent him. I think about him often, and pray that he will be a strong Christian and an honorable man; that he will put forth his best effort in everything he does. I often pray that he will have a reason to smile. What I don't do often enough is put these thoughts into words.
In a couple of years he will graduate from the Compassion program, and I hope it will be with fond memories (as much as is possible through letters and infrequent photos) of me as his sponsor.
I guess that means I should start writing more often, and begin to make a concerted effort to let this boy from Honduras know that there is someone who thinks of him often, prays for him, and feels blessed to have been a part of his life, if only from a distance.

Confessions/Affirmations Part 1, or 16 Things About Me

2009-02-10T18:55:00.000-06:00

1. I have loved photography ever since my high school photography class. However, I don't believe I possess an extraordinary measure of talent in this particular art. This year, I would like to learn how to see, how to compose, how to wrangle the meaning out of a scene that appears mundane and drab.

2. I grew up in a very clean and tidy house. My house is usually quite the opposite.

3. I love books. Usually to read, but sometimes just to hold or look at.

4. My sister and I have always been friends. (She can correct me, if I'm wrong.)

5. I used to dislike cats and was mildly afraid of them, until my roommate brought home the cutest little kitten several years ago, with the caveat that we could always send her back to the farm if it didn't work out. Now I have 3 cats.

6. I am not a dressy girl. I love jeans, t-shirts, and sweatshirts.

7. I don't have children, but I have 2 nieces and 1 nephew that I love dearly. I consider myself blessed.

8. I can be stubborn, and sometimes bossy.

9. I like to make plans, and am secretly thrilled when I manage to carry them out.

10. I love big, loud concerts.

11. I would not be a runner if not for my sister. Two weeks into our learn-to-run program I announced that it was too hard and I was going to quit. I'm not sure what happened, but we made it to 20 minutes and I just kept on going.

12. Things can be more than just things. I have several kitchen items that used to be my grandma's, and I often think of her when I use them.

13. I am a very emotional person. I can cry at the drop of a hat, lose my temper over something completely insignificant, and feel so excited that my teeth chatter. I like to think this helps me experience life more fully.

14. I've only had 2 cars in the past 13 years.

15. The first song on the running playlist on my ipod is called "I Am a Gummy Bear."

16. If I could learn to play one instrument, right now, it would be the drums.

A Movie Moment

2009-02-08T22:49:00.003-06:00

I had a moment today on the treadmill when I felt like pulling a Brad Pitt move, from his movie Burn After Reading. You can see it in the preview here - it's a very quick clip where he's running and waving his arms in the air.
I was listening to my ipod and a great song came on, and I felt like doing a few little fist pumps in the air. I had the good sense to restrain myself and calmly keep running like a nice, normal person.
But you know I was rockin' it out in my head!

Adulthood

2009-02-06T22:13:00.005-06:00

"Being an adult is knowing who you are and having the courage to be that person." - Erica Strange from the TV show Being Erica

There is an ambiguousness to becoming an adult. While it would seem that the transition from "young adult" to "adult" should happen in one's early 20's, I have yet to reach the point where I feel completely grown up.

I have a job, a car and a mortgage. I make plans and carry on more or less as I wish. I do not get asked for ID when I go to the liquor store. The young cashiers working in the grocery store call me "ma'am." I have RRSPs and a pension plan. Occasionally my hips hurt. By all outward appearances, I am an adult.

So often, though, I feel as though some piece of the puzzle is missing; I am almost an adult, but not quite.

Will it happen when I am disciplined enough to do the dishes every night? When I learn to file my mail as soon as it enters my house, thus avoiding the need for a 3-hour sorting session every few months? When I quit procrastinating and do some of the things that have been on my to-do list for a long time, like getting in touch with a financial planner?

Would I feel grown up if I was married and had children?

I don't know. But I was watching TV last night and the above line stuck with me. It seems like a good definition of what it means to be an adult.

I feel like I'm on the road to discovering who I am, and not just who I think I should be. One of the ways I'm doing that is attempting to write more transparently here on my blog. The writers I most admire are those that present themselves openly and honestly, "warts and all" if you will.

I took a one-day writing class awhile back, and the writer who was leading it stressed that you have to be truthful in your writing, because as soon as you're not, people will know and your writing will lose its impact.

So here's me, taking one more step toward adulthood.

New Record

2009-02-04T22:06:00.004-06:00

I set a new personal record for myself at the gym tonight. I ran 4 miles in 39 min, 42 sec. After accidentally pulling the emergency stop cord at 2.42 miles, I had to work hard to keep motivated for the last 1.58 miles.
It's quite common for me to start an internal pep talk near the end of a run, when I would give anything just to stop and take a walking break. Today I ran out of steam with 4 minutes left, and so my mini-me motivational speaker kicked in. It's strange the things I say to myself to keep going. Usually it's along the lines of "just 4 more minutes, you can do that," or I distract myself with whatever else is going on around me. Today the phrase "I eat 4 minutes for breakfast" popped into my head.
Really? What is that? I eat 4 minutes for breakfast? The phrase was sufficiently distracting that I was able to finish the distance in my goal time.
I'm thinking of having that emblazoned on a t-shirt for my next race - I eat 4 minutes for breakfast.
What do you think?

Never Boring

2009-01-26T15:10:00.002-06:00

The Antithetic Workout

2009-01-25T18:39:00.002-06:00

My experience at the gym today was the exact opposite of what I generally enjoy about running. I love getting outside, alone with my thoughts and the rhythm of feet on pavement. Running brings clarity, calmness, and usually instills in me a sense of purpose.
I've chosen to run inside this winter instead of fighting the snowbanks and ice, and have found that some of the intangible benefits of running are indeed only to be found in the great outdoors. However, for the most part I've enjoyed my indoor training experience.
Today, though, seemed like a test to see just how committed I am to this whole gym thing.
When I first pulled into the parking lot, there were A LOT of cars there - more than I've ever seen. Generally I like going to the gym on the weekend because it is a lot less crowded than during the week. Not today. I considered just turning around and going back later, but knew that I probably wouldn't return.
So I went in and was happy to note that there were several classes going on, which explained the sudden influx of people. There wasn't anyplace for me to warm up properly, so I claimed one of the few remaining treadmills and got down to business.
Rather than the calm, clarity-infused running I love, I was subjected to an aural barrage from every direction. Combine the louder-than-usual music with the whirring and feet-stomping from treadmills all around me, the staff member who thought right then was the perfect time to vacuum, and the people having outdoor-voice conversations, and my tranquility was shot. Add to this the fact that I'd brought my ipod today because I wanted to run for longer than usual and needed some hand-picked motivation, and I wound up with the exact opposite of what I was looking for.
However.
I have to say that the plethora of distractions made the time go faster, and I actually had a pretty good run, once I got tuned into what I was doing.
I'm finding that indoor running, while it definitely doesn't have the challenges of weather and road conditions, has been good practice for my mental state. The ability to focus when there is so much going on around me, as well as the challenge to stay motivated when there is nothing going on to distract from the monotonous whirring of the treadmill belt, will surely only help me be a better runner.

Growing. Older.

2009-01-22T21:31:00.002-06:00

I realized yesterday that I am not comfortable with the thought of growing older. I have no problem being the age I am; I don't even mind thinking about sticking a 1 behind that 3 in less than 2 months. What I do mind, apparently, is the thought of the inevitable decline of our bodies as we age.
I had this revelation as I was reading my February edition of Runner's World magazine. They've dedicated a number of pages to a feature called "Age Matters." I've just skimmed the articles, but the news that bones start losing their density, muscle mass declines, recovery rates increase, weight gain is almost inevitable, and your heart starts beating slower pretty much discouraged further reading. I know there is some good news in there somewhere, but for some stubborn reason I find myself unable to sit down and read the whole series of articles.
I've only been a runner for a couple of years, and I'm sad to think that I have only 4 or 5 years left to run my fastest race before age becomes more of a issue.

However. I do not know what the next 5 years, or even tomorrow, may bring. What I do know is that today I can run. So I will do my best, because I can.

(aside: Sometimes it's good to express doubts and worries, because in the simple black and white letters, lining up all orderly on my page, things make more sense than when they're swirling thoughts, all disorderly and panicked. This is one of those times.)

Serious.

2009-01-15T22:37:00.004-06:00

Jake, with books.

Thankful

2009-01-08T23:21:00.002-06:00

Today I am thankful for spontaneous laughter and sisters to share it with. I'm thankful for good news, and optimism about the future.

I've Gone and Done it Again

2009-01-03T13:51:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I signed up to run the 2009 Saskatchewan Half Marathon in May. I've been anxious to get back into running, and knew this would be good motivation for me. After all the eating I've done over Christmas and New Year's I think I've put on a few pounds and am looking forward to going back to the gym on Monday.
This will be my 3rd winter of training for a race, and I have to say it's great to have something to look forward to after the holidays. This year I'm going to put a little more effort into my training and hopefully be able to run a little faster come May.
Here's to looking ahead and starting 2009 filled with anticipation!

Grocery Shopping, Reading, and Looking Forward

2008-12-31T14:45:00.002-06:00

It's official. Sobey's rocks. I'm generally an Extra Foods shopper, mostly due to proximity, but every time I've needed a slightly obscure ingredient I've been able to find it at Sobey's. Every time. It's almost like magic.
Yesterday I was looking for a package of dried Italian dressing mix, and as a last resort (I don't know why I don't just go there first), I went to Sobey's. Slightly holding my breath, I walked down the aisle, and there it was. Magic I tell you.
[aside: I'm trying a new recipe tomorrow and am somewhat of a stickler for following exact directions the first time I make anything, necessitating the hunt for this particular ingredient.]

This year was another good year of reading. I read only 40 books, down a little from last year's count of 54, but there were some definite gems among them. Here are some of the highlights:
1. During the holiday season I read the first installment in the Troy Trilogy by David Gemmell, titled Lord of the Silver Bow. There's something that appeals to me about reading an epic novel during Christmas. Perhaps because the stories of larger-than-life heroes and mythical conquests remind me of the magnitude of the event we're celebrating. This was probably one of my favorite novels of the year.
2. Rowboat in a Hurricane. Fabulous true story of Julie Angus, who was the first woman in the world to row across the Atlantic Ocean from mainland to mainland. During the worst hurricane season on record. After biking from Moscow to Lisbon. And then she biked home from Costa Rica to Vancouver. Yeah, she rocks.
3. Travelling Mercies, by Anne Lamott. I haven't read a book by Lamott that I didn't love.
4. The Little Book, by Selden Edwards. Well-written book about a guy who finds himself in Vienna, circa 1900. And yes, now I would like to go to Vienna. Somewhere, in some notebook, I have started a list of the places I would like to visit, inspired by books I've read. If only I could find that notebook...
5. The Necklace, by Cheryl Jarvis. Girl power! A great book about women and friendship and what we can accomplish when we work together.
6. Well Enough Alone, by Jennifer Traig. A humorous book about hypochondria.
7. Interred With Their Bones, by Jennifer Lee Carrell. Mystery with a dash of Shakespeare. Perfect.
8. The Animal Dialogues, by Craig Childs. Interesting and educational. Did you know there were once camels in Saskatchewan? Or that porcupines quite often fall out of trees?

It would be too hard to pick a top 8 of 2008, but this list is where I would start.

And tomorrow is a new year. I love New Years. My version is not some big, crazy party, but rather a reflection on the past year and anticipation of next year. I'll probably start half-marathon training in about a month and am greatly looking forward to it.
I used to make a list of all the new things I had done the previous year. I like looking back and feeling that I've continued to learn and grow as a person. This year's list would include running 2 half marathons, and learning much about myself in the process, as well as writing book reviews for the StarPhoenix. Dreams for next year include running a full marathon and doing some travelling.

May you enjoy this last day of 2008 with friends and family, and do at least one new thing next year!

Adventures of Gym Girl - Discovering New Muscles

2008-12-03T21:37:00.005-06:00

I went to my first weight-training class on Monday, and I'm still feeling the effects of it. My hamstrings got the worst of it so I decided to put some Rub A535 on them last night. Expired A535 I should add. And I learned a valuable lesson - expiry dates mean something, even if it's not food. Not a minute had passed after I put the cream on, and I started to feel a peculiar burning sensation on the backs of my legs. "Oh that just means it's working," I thought to myself. A few more seconds though, and it felt like my skin was going to start peeling off. It got a little better after a few rounds with a cold washcloth, but I fell asleep trying to figure out how I was going to drive myself to the doctor's office the next day (to check out what was surely a monstrous rash from the cream) if I couldn't sit down.
As it turned out, everything was fine this morning, but my hamstrings remain rather sore.

I finally did it...

2008-11-25T21:03:00.003-06:00

Tonight I went to my first class at a gym. I've always kind of wanted to join a gym and take some classes, but was too intimidated by all the machines and fit-looking people. I just wrote myself off as "not a gym kind of person." Except now I am.

I have a 2-week free pass for Mawson Health & Fitness, and their ads on the radio make their classes sound like so much fun, so tonight I went.

I got there too early and was wondering how to use up my time without standing around looking like the awkward girl I felt like. So I changed very slowly and then discovered that my lock didn't fit the locker. It was too big! You'd think these things would be standard sizes. So I changed back into my street clothes and put my valuables back in my car, deciding just to leave my clothes in an unlocked locker. I guess if someone needed clothes badly enough to steal my 5-year-old jeans and smelly socks, they are welcome to them.

That wasted just enough time, so I went and stood in the hall with some other girls to wait for the earlier class to finish.

When our turn came I realized that I didn't know how to adjust my bike and the instructor wasn't around...so I just guessed at where things should be positioned (wrongly, as it turns out).

And then it began.

Oh did I sweat. I'm generally not a very sweaty person, but I had it streaming down my face and we were only 20 min into the 60 min class. In fact, by the time we were done my hair had taken on a decidedly frizzy look from the humidity cloud I apparently generated during the ride. After class the instructor showed me how to adjust my bike, and I think it will be a little more comfortable next time. :-)

I realized, as I looked around at the class, that these people are just like me. Some a little more fit, and some a little less. And I felt like I could belong there.

Aside from a sore foot that has been bothering me lately, I feel good. We'll see how things go tomorrow.

And I'll be back. Cause I'm a gym girl now.

October 19

2008-10-19T17:01:00.003-06:00

Too cute for words.

Cuddle time for Josie and Me.

Nap Time

2008-10-15T12:33:00.003-06:00

Now that's relaxation!

The cats are at the point now where they can all nap together on the couch. Isabelle is still a little wary of them, and tends to sleep with one eye open, but the other two are a model of contentment.

Day 1

2008-10-13T21:02:00.002-06:00

Today was a marvelous day. Although technically the last day of a long weekend, I will consider it the first day of my 2-week holiday. After a busy summer and early Fall, I am greatly anticipating 2 weeks at home, to work on the projects that seem to be ever on my mind and destined to live on my to-do list forever.
I look in my closet and think that I'd like to move those boxes into the basement.
I open the pantry and think it needs to be re-organized.
I open the cupboards and realize they need to be wiped out.
I go downstairs and wish that things were just a little more organized. That box of give-away stuff needs to be given away. Those blankets need to be washed one of these days.
And why oh why is there so much stuff everywhere? Newspapers, flyers, mail, old grocery lists, bills, receipts, reminders, the list never ends.
Today I took 5 bags and 3 boxes of stuff to the garbage, the recycling bins, and the community living bins accordingly. And then came home and discovered that I had forgotten a few things.
How and why do we accumulate so much stuff?
Awhile back my sister sent me a link to a blog about becoming minimalist. http://www.becomingminimalist.com/
I like the idea of minimalism - downsizing our lives and homes to just the essentials. Of course, this begs the questions of just what is essential. I don't want to get rid of all my books just because I've read them already. I like books. I have memories associated with them.
However, the old bath mat that's not being used, the random candle holders that will never see another candle, the broken answering machine in that box in the corner, all of that stuff can go.
But I digress. Today was a marvelous day, because I got so much accomplished. Besides the purging, I washed windows inside and out, vacuumed, tidied up, and actually brought those 2 boxes down to the basement, taking the time to properly rearrange the existing stacks of stuff to accommodate this other stuff.
I also read outside in the beautiful sunshine and watched a bit of tv.
I played with my cats and bathed in contentment when they all curled up on and around me for their afternoon nap.
And tomorrow I'll carry on, alternating between productivity and restfulness as the mood strikes me.

About Jake & Josie

2008-10-10T19:59:00.006-06:00

Jake and Josie are quite close, and this is especially apparent when it comes to nap time.

Josie - trying out some catnip.

Isabelle was quite territorial at first, but each day she is learning how to co-exist with these two little creatures who have thoroughly invaded her space.

crazy?

2008-10-06T20:46:00.004-06:00

Every now and then I get an idea that I think is a good one...at the time. Like when I suggested taking Isabelle with us on our Saturday morning Tim Horton's run. Not so fun. Ever since a traumatic car experience on the way back from Calgary, Izzy is not fond of car rides and ended up hyperventilating on the way back from Tim Hortons.

So why I thought she would like a little kitten for company, I'm not sure. But think it I did, and even more, I went out and adopted a 10 week old, grey kitty yesterday from Street Cat Rescue. Oh, and Nicole got one too.

Yes, that's right, 2 more kittens. Both grey. They are brother and sister and stick to each other like glue so we didn't want to separate them.

They're adorable and have been raised around animals, so they're fine with Isabelle. However, Isabelle is not fine with them. She's experiencing quite a lot of distress over other animals being in the house, so I'm not actually sure that we'll be able to keep the new kitties.

However, here are a couple of pics of the newbies.

New Beginnings

2008-09-14T20:39:00.002-06:00

Autumn always brings with it a sense of anticipation. Winter is the season you endure, and Spring heralds Summer, which is the season of rest and play. But Autumn is the season of new beginnings. It's time to pack away the swimsuits and beach gear but not yet time for scarves and mitts. The leaves turn brilliant shades of red and gold; the morning air is crisp and fresh. Kids go back to school and churches start up their programs again.

After today's church service, I feel like I'm ready for something new. Pastor Bob talked about growing and maturing in Christ and how that requires involvement and commitment. I often find myself not wanting to invest my time and energies into anything, though I'm not quite sure what I'm waiting for. I do want to be more involved at church this year and I'm excited about what that may look like.

With exciting changes taking place at work and the possibility of new friendships and ministries at church, I am looking forward to this next season.

The Hills

2008-09-04T21:10:00.003-06:00

Today I ran my first set of hills.
In my half-marathon training plans there were several weeks of scheduled hill training - running up and down hills to build endurance. (I imagine non-runners who think running is a bit pointless already shaking their heads over the idea of running up and down the same hill over and over.) Being a bit on the lazy side when it came to my training, however, I never ran one set. I didn't think there were any hills near enough to my house and I didn't want to have to drive somewhere just to go running.
Recently though, I noticed that the block between Kingsmere and Acadia Drive is a good little hill. (Not sure how I overlooked that one, as I drive it almost every day.)
So tonight I ran. Choking on exhaust at times, but I ran. (I think I may have to start running in the morning to avoid inhaling so many traffic fumes.) And it felt good.
All in all it was a 41 min run that felt like 15 minutes.
I'm thinking about running a 10k in early October and would love to break the 1 hour mark. For middle-of-the-pack runners like myself, 1 hour is kind of a benchmark time. I don't think I'm fast enough yet, but with a month of training I'm hoping to be able to shave off those extra minutes.

Back At 'er

2008-08-21T21:42:00.002-06:00

Today I went for my first run in a month and a half. It felt good and I remembered why I like it. Sometimes you just need a little break from the things you love to remember why you love them in the first place.

A New Obsession

2008-07-12T17:39:00.003-06:00

I have a new ~~bike~~ obsession. Finally, after about 15 years, I bought a new set of wheels. When people ask what kind of bike it is, I have to snicker a little when I reply that it's a Giant mountain bike. And I love it. I brought it home 2 weeks ago and have ridden it every day since (every day that I've been home that is). As par for the course I've taken up reading magazines with titles like Adventure Cyclist and Bicycling magazine. (I just read an article in the latter that gave tips on what kind of bike one might consider for their fifth bike, as apparently their average reader has 4 bikes. Four. I've never considered the possibility of more than one bike.)

Anyway, my new wheels reside in my kitchen next to the patio doors when not in use, which may help explain the setting of the pic above.

I've ridden downtown several times (to work once) and will ride with the smallest excuse. ("Hey Nicole, I'm just going to return this movie...time me, ok?" - incidentally I can now return a movie in 3 minutes flat).

Today was a great day of exploring on wheels. I rode downtown, returned a pair of shoes to the Bay, stopped at the bank, rode through the 2nd Ave sidewalk sale, then took off to the Farmer's Market. (I tried to return something to Oceanquin Athletics only to discover that they've gone out of business in the few days since I bought my item!)

Today I noticed that my "indignant cyclist" attitude is developing quite well. Downtown there are spray-painted reminders on almost every sidewalk corner that you have to walk your bike on the sidewalk. That's fine. I imagine that law is in place for the safety of pedestrians, which is fair enough. However, have you ever tried to ride your bike downtown? It's not easy. Some streets are just not wide enough to permit both vehicle and cyclists to co-exist peacefully, and there are more than a few inattentive drivers to ratchet up the tension. But I don't know of anyone who would be willing to walk their bike block after block just to get through downtown. So today I employed a varied approach, staying on the streets when possible and taking to the sidewalks when it felt like the only safe course. It worked ok, but I think I'll prefer to stay out of the downtown whenever possible.

At the end of almost every ride, I take a detour and make one lap around the little lake by my house because, inside, I'm still an 8 year old kid who doesn't want to come inside yet...just 5 more minutes on my bike...please?

Pictures From Race Day

2008-07-08T20:53:00.005-06:00

Another medal for my collection. And notice our race bibs had our names on them.

Moments after finishing...just trying to stay upright.

Surprised to see people I knew.

More About the Marathon

2008-07-08T20:39:00.003-06:00

I run so that I can race. Fitness has never been a good motivator for me, and if I couldn't race then I don't know if I would continue running.
The best part of a race is five minutes before the gun goes off. At this point you can't train anymore. You've done your warmup. You've stretched. You're as mentally prepared as you're going to get. The past several months of training were all for this moment. Everyone around you squeezes in, waiting for the gun to go off.
I like to look around me when I'm waiting, and note all the different people who will be running that day. In Calgary I was standing beside a girl who had a picture of her dad pinned to her arm with the words "I run for you Daddy" written around it. It brought tears to my eyes (still does) and I wondered about her story. Everyone has a different reason for running, a different path that brought them to that race on that particular day. In Calgary there were over 6000 people running from 25 different countries. I was glad to be a part of it all.
In the moments before the gun goes off, you still feel good, and anticipation rises above all other emotions. By the end of the race I'm just glad to be finished. Making it to the starting line carries with it it's own sense of accomplishment.
I hope to make it to at least a few more starting lines this season.

Calgary Half Marathon

2008-07-08T10:58:00.001-06:00

I ran a new personal best in Calgary on the weekend - 2:16:56! (The time on the clock in the picture is the gun time, but my chip time is my official time.)
Before the race I was feeling disappointed with myself, because I'd let my training slip in the last 2 weeks before the race. I was tired of running, particularly the long runs, because I've been in training since the end of January. Mentally, I was lowering my expectations and trying to convince myself that as long as I finished the race I would be happy, regardless of my time.
The morning of the race came early, as I was staying in Airdrie and had to rise at 4:30am to get ready and have Nicole and her mom drive me to downtown Calgary. (They were good supporters, not complaining too much about the early hour, and I saw them at 2 different points along the way, as well as at the finish line. My friend Donna and her kids came out to cheer me at the end as well. After such an extreme effort it's always nice to see a friendly face at the end!)
I lined up with the 2:30 pace bunny with hopes to finish a little bit ahead of her. After a short while I decided on a new "pacer" - a guy with a bright yellow jersey and a serious-looking water belt (he was carrying 8 bottles!). I overheard him say that he wanted to finish the full in 4 hours, 30 min, which means if I could keep up with him, them I should be able to finish the half in about 2:15. (The courses for each race were the same up until the 18km mark).
I felt fairly strong in the first half, trying a variety of mental tricks to keep my pace up. I finally settled on repeating my own mantra in my head, "find your own rhythm and run in it." In a crowd of over 6400 runners, it's sometimes hard to find your own pace and stick to it.
I usually start to bonk around the 14k mark, and was happy to find that I was doing ok at that point. At the 16k mark, I met up with my pacer and we ran together for the next 2km. His name was Wayne, from Edmonton, and I don't think I could have finished the race with such a good time if I hadn't had someone to follow. We talked for 2k until he branched off to continue with his full marathon. It was nice to have the distraction for a little while, when my body was starting rebel a little.
After climbing the hill right at the end (what the heck is a hill doing right at the end of the race?!) I managed to cross the finish line upright, with a new personal best. And having said before the race that this would be my last for the summer, I now wonder if perhaps I might try just one more this season...maybe just a little bit faster?

Half Marathon

2008-05-25T22:12:00.004-06:00

A few kilometres into the race.

Finished!

The Secret

2008-05-14T21:12:00.003-06:00

Being an adult means many different things. It means renegotiating your mortgage, making sure your bills are paid on time, remembering to change the oil in your car, and calling the repairman to fix your washing machine when it breaks. It means being responsible, and making decisions that are usually farther reaching than those that confronted you back in your school days.
But.
It also means you know the secret.
That eating one of your Subway cookies, in the car, on the way home after work, before your supper, will not spoil your appetite.
Being an adult means being responsible, but it also means savoring those delicious moments of freedom and choice.

Reasons

2008-05-13T21:50:00.002-06:00

"There are a thousand thousand reasons to live this life,

every one of them sufficient."

- Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

quote of the day

2008-05-12T22:48:00.002-06:00

"We are, every one of us, going to die. Rotting is the way of all things. A tree, a cheese, a heart, a whole human chassis. Now, knowing that, understanding that, living begins to seem less important than living the way you'd like to live...So, life, by definition, is impermanent. All the energy we spend in trying to fix it, secure it, save it, protect it, leaves damn little time for living it. Pain or death or any other pestilence doesn't pass over us because we're careful or because we have insurance or, God forbid, because we have enough money. All right. So how does one come to understand exactly how one wants to live? How one wants to use up his time?"

- from A Thousand Days in Tuscany by Marlena De Blasi

I Believe...I don't want to run anymore

2008-05-04T18:18:00.003-06:00

Each year, (all 2 of them), I seem to have a theme song for when I run. A particular song that I play when I need a little audio encouragement. This year it is Believe by Suzie McNeil.

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
The higher you climb
The better it gets
Cause you will see things
You'll never forget

and particularly the following verse:

No one says it's easy
And no one says you have to be perfect
But as long as you try
You're always gonna find
It was worth it

Today was my toughest run yet. I just had no juice in the tank. Tired from the word go, by the halfway point (9 km or so) I was running on fumes. I blame it on not eating enough for breakfast, not drinking quite enough, the heat, and not putting in the training time during the week. Surprisingly, I had no specific sore points, and my feet felt better than they have during any of my past long runs. However I had to give in and walk more than I usually do, putting me 9 minutes slower than my projected time.
By the time my condo came into view I was ready to pack it in and never run again. I'm starting to feel better now that I've had time to rest and shower and reflect on what went wrong.
I did a lot of thinking about what I like about running, and I think the greatest thing I've come away with so far, is that running has taught me a few things. It's taught me that I can do more than I think I can; that willpower counts for a lot. (I ran the last half of my training run today on nothing more than that.) I've learned that when things go wrong, or get difficult, you have a choice to pack it in or to keep going - it's a specific choice that has to be made, and if you choose to keep going, you'll be stronger for it. I've used this lesson in other areas of my life lately, which makes my running seem even more worthwhile.
Today I think I learned about wisdom. That while sometimes you have to make the choice to push on, you also have to know when to step back and admit that things aren't going as well as you'd hoped, and make adjustments accordingly.
All in all then, my run today was not a total failure, as I came away with another lesson learned.
And also my first sunburn of the year.

Victoria Moments

2008-04-20T16:56:00.006-06:00

Sam's Deli - the fabulous restaurant where we dined on shrimp and avocado sandwiches the first day we were there.

A magnificent garden on the way to Craigdarroch Castle

Nicole and I having high tea at the Empress Hotel

The view from our 6th floor balcony

Victoria

2008-04-20T16:55:00.003-06:00

Having just recently returned from a 4 day excursion to Victoria, BC I'm already planning my next trip.
Victoria was wonderful. What a treat to see (and smell) so many flowers and trees already leafing out at this time of year. While the weather was mostly cool and windy, we were still out and about every day. We decided not to rent a car, and ended up doing a lot of walking. A lot. Lots and lots of walking. One day, nearly 6 hours of it. Which was probably a good thing, because we also did a lot of eating.
Mmmmm...we ate at some fabulous restaurants. The lunch highlights were Sam's Deli and Willie's Bakery, and supper was absolutely amazing at Pescatore's. Halibut is in season there right now, and my meal was melt-in-your-mouth good.
We took a partial city tour, visited the wax museum, toured Craigdarroch Castle, and watched a show at the Undersea Gardens. We had high tea (afternoon tea) at the Empress Hotel, which I would recommend to anyone who visits Victoria. Using solid silver utensils and fine china, served tea and the most amazing food by a gentleman named Josief, relaxing in huge comfy chairs listening to a talented piano player, looking out over the harbour...it was a lovely experience.
Now...where to next?

$20? For Socks? Really?

2008-04-10T21:46:00.003-06:00

I bought some running socks today. From an actual running store. Thank goodness I had birthday money. Granted, I didn't buy the cheapest ones in the store, but rather the ones recommended by the salesgirl, who has used them to run admirable distances.
I took the socks for a test run as soon as I got home, and they performed beautifully.
And yes, I can actually tell the difference between the Walmart socks I was using and the Brooks beauties I bought today.

Long Run - Too Long

2008-04-06T20:46:00.002-06:00

I woke up this morning with a sore back from moving around some heavy furniture in the basement yesterday. I thought I should probably forgo my weekly long run, so as not to turn what was just discomfort into an actual injury. As the day wore on and the sun broke through the clouds, I found myself unable to resist the pull of the run. "Just a short one," I told myself. An hour, tops. As my internet connection wasn't working, I was unable to plot out a route, leaving me free to run an exploratory route - a turn here, a jog along that path, wherever I landed was fine with me. I love these kinds of runs, because there are no rules - just go for as long as you can or want to. The pitfall, unfortunately, is that I always think I can go further than I really should.
Alas, it happened again. An hour passed and I found myself downtown, by the Bessborough. Now, if you know where I live, you know that I probably shouldn't have run that far, given that my scheduled distance, even if I had been feeling up to it, was only 16 km. I called Nicole to let her know that I would be longer than my imagined one hour. She offered to come and pick me up, but I wasn't feeling too bad at this point.
Off I went, across the Broadway bridge and heading home. My feet were really starting to ache at this point and I was happy to turn onto Taylor. I usually end my runs coming home on Taylor, and as such feel that it is my home territory, even if I am still many kilometres from the end of my run. I probably should have called for a ride at this point, but the crazy part of me didn't want to concede defeat to the route I had chosen.
Well. Now I pay the price. Overall I'm sore, but not unexpectedly so. However, my right calf has decided that it no longer wants to flex when I walk, forcing me into an unusually slow, stiff-legged gait. I hope I haven't done any serious damage with my ill-advised and probably a little foolish 20 km run today.
In comparison, though, my back does not ache nearly as much :-)

Long Run 16 km - 1 hour 49 min

2008-03-30T16:16:00.002-06:00

Every long has its own personality. Last weekend I was all about the focusing and forgetting; focusing on my music, on a spot on the road a ways in front of me, on a daydream or rabbit trail of thoughts, anything to keep my mind from thinking about my sore body. At times I got so good at dissociating myself from my lower extremities that I had to actually look down and make sure I was still running and hadn't come to a standstill.
Today was just the opposite. I found my pulsing joints and sore feet became my companion as I ran. The pain was not something to be endured or forgotten or frustrated about, it was just a part of the experience. Today was also one of the first long runs I've done where I didn't get tired, which was encouraging. In the last 4 kms or so, I had to really pin it sometimes to get through an intersection before the light turned red, and it was nice to know that somewhere deep down there are reserves of energy that I can call on even after I've been running for well over an hour.
At one point as my hips were starting to seize a little, I thought about what I must look like, and pictured an arthritic chicken hobbling across a farmyard. I'm relatively sure that I didn't look quite that bad, but it made me smile nonetheless!
All in all, I think today's run was a success.

Wayback Track

2008-03-22T21:01:00.003-06:00

Apparently I shouldn't have posted my previous entry so hastily. I just came across another band that I have vivid memories of - WhiteHeart! Oh how I loved them. Remember the concert at Elim, Sher? Remember Sing Your Freedom, Hotline, and Convertibles? It was one of my favorite concerts, made even more memorable because my big sister let me tag along with her and her friend!
I feel like I'm putting together the soundtrack of my teenage years.

The Good Old Days

2008-03-22T20:33:00.002-06:00

I got an iTunes gift card for my birthday, and decided that I would try to find 20 different songs from 20 different artists previously unknown to me. In my searching I just stumbled onto a group that I listened to a lot growing up - the Christian rock band Guardian. Wow. Talk about stepping back in time. It brings to mind all the hours I spent listening to them on my first ghetto-blaster (back when it was still called that!)
Songs like Dr. Jones and the Kings of Rhythm, Never Say Goodbye, The Captain, Forever and a Day, You and I, C'Mon Everyone, Fire and Love, and Endless Summer were some of my favorites. (I'm not sure how many people would even recognize any of those songs, except maybe my brother-in-law.)
I may just have to add some of those to my $20 playlist.
Aaahh...sweet memories.

Long Run March 22 - 14 km

2008-03-22T13:43:00.003-06:00

I got home from this weekend's long run a little while ago, and I'm feeling pretty good. The weather was about perfect - a little cool and breezy, with the sun peeking through the clouds just often enough to offer a little encouragement. The roads have dried up considerably in the last couple of weeks, making for a less stressful run. In fact, this is probably my first time out that I could classify it as a run - other times it was more of a shuffle, leap-frogging over frozen ground.
I felt fresh and motivated until about the 10k mark. This is usually where the hip pains start to set in, and they showed up right on time. However, this time I managed to figure out a way to focus and bring myself into a rhythm where the pains actually went away. (They were replaced shortly after with the irritation of a growing blister on my right foot - you win some, you lost some.) This was the first time I've taken along a bottle of Gatorade, and it definitely helped to keep my energy level up near the end. I even set a new time record for myself!
After a little stretching and a cold bath, a large helping of my sister's Easter bread, and a few lines of writing, I think I might be ready for a nap now.

Long Run 12 km

2008-03-18T19:20:00.002-06:00

My mood yesterday during my long run reflected the weather like a mirror. I didn't feel particularly buoyant, but not overly bad either - just neutral. About 3/4 of the way through the run, I began to feel sore, and tired. I forgot how sore I get at distances over 10 km. It may be time to start the post-run ice baths! I need to do more running during the week so that next Sunday doesn't come as a shock.
Sometimes I wish I could carry a little recorder with me as I run, because I'm usually composing my blog entry out on the streets. By the time I get home it's lost some of it's oomph and I'm just glad to be off my feet. Hopefully the snow will continue to disappear this week, and my run next week will be on dry ground.

Birthday

2008-03-18T19:09:00.002-06:00

Thanks to my friends who made my birthday a fabulous day!

Long Run - 10 km

2008-03-02T17:47:00.003-06:00

Yesterday's long run was difficult. I was over-dressed. Hot. Tired. Frustrated. But I didn't get angry until an inconsiderate driver drenched me head to toe with muddy water that had pooled in the street. (At the moment of impact I confess to thinking many rather unkind things about the driver!) As a note to myself and all other motorists in this wet and wonderful season we're entering, if there is a huge puddle of water on the street, please slow down and/or move over if you can so as not to shower the pedestrian on the sidewalk.
Unfortunately the run didn't get any better, and I was splashed a couple more times. I really, really wanted to turn around and go home. At one point near the end of my run I had to turn in the opposite direction of home and start my last loop. I'm happy to say I didn't give in, if only for the satisfaction of being able to say it!
When all was said and done, I was happy to get home and cleaned up, with hopes that this week will be better.

4th Long Run - 9 km

2008-02-24T17:59:00.002-06:00

Today was the first day I could run without something over my face. It was cold going into the wind, but so much easier to breathe! I enjoyed the route I picked, and the 9k actually went by quite quickly, (1 hour, 7 min to be exact). The sunshine and happy music propelled me along. I got caught up in a daydream about halfway through and didn't even notice the clouds move in until I was almost done.
A good run all in all.

3rd Long Run - 9 km

2008-02-18T16:44:00.002-06:00

I set out today with a little trepidation. Nine kilometres. A new distance for me. After a few technical difficulties (with the watch and ipod), I was on my way. The first leg of my run was into the wind, so I started off pretty slow. I got hot quickly and wished that I hadn't worn my balaclava. Thankfully I had my music to distract me, and to keep me from thinking about my rising temperature. (When the wind picked up later, I was thankful for it.) I got a second, third, and fourth wind just when I needed it and felt my spirits picking up as I ran. Music and running are two of the things I can count on to restore my optimism.
Today's effort was an interesting combination of running/scrambling/shuffling over the various terrain. I happened to map out a route that didn't have sidewalks the whole way, so I had to pick my footing carefully in some spots. Although I look forward to running with lighter clothing and on dry streets, summer running isn't quite as interesting as it is in the winter.
(side note: apparently I'm not recognizable as a female in my balaclava and all-black running duds, as some guy called out to me as I passed - "Hey, buddy! Hey! Buddy!" I didn't stop to see what he wanted, but smiled to myself and carried on.)
When I rounded the corner for home, I checked my watch and did an internal fist-pump as the time was better than I was expecting. Good times.

2008-02-17T22:23:00.000-06:00

Fuzzy

2008-02-15T20:40:00.000-06:00

purple

In Amongst The Chaff

2008-02-15T19:57:00.002-06:00

I love it when you come across an unexpected nugget of wisdom in a book that's otherwise just a bit of fluff. I finished reading "The Hopeless Romantic's Handbook" today, and came away with this bit of advice:

"Do something different today. Be bold in your choices, accept invitations that previously you may have shunned...by bringing something fresh into your life, you will begin to see the world differently. You will be enchanted again by things you have taken for granted. You will see that beauty is never far from your door. And you will find romance in the small things of life, which are as important as the significant ones. Remember that if you only stick to what you know, then what you know now is all that you will ever have."

I feel like I'm at a turning point right now, with choices laying themselves out in front of me. I want to be bold and choose something new, even if it seems intimidating right now. I will pray for faith to lean not on my own understanding, but to trust in God who has always been faithful in giving me not always what I want, but always what I need.